As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
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