The fact that “hemorrhoids” aren’t called “asteroids” is a major missed opportunity for science, health, and the English language.

Don’t be afraid to buy a boomerang online.

They have 100% return policy.

Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?
They say there was a mole among them.

I recently had someone tell me to stop being an idiot and to be myself.

I told them to make up their mind.

I asked my iPhone, “Surely I don’t need an umbrella today?”.
Siri replied “Yes, and don’t call me Shirley”.

Apparently I had left Airplane mode on.