Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp

14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie

13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”

12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.

11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.

10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”

9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”

8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.

7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”

6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.

5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.

4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”

3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.

2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?

1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.

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[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]