Holiday Traditions We Actually Need Most

12. Christmas Card Photoshop Day, thus rendering the family as semi-presentable to the general public.

11. “Touched by an Angel” coulda made us a Hanukah special, I’m just sayin’.

10. Being able to punch people who brag about being done with holiday shopping before December 20th.

9. Family gathered around the Yuletide table, together agreeing, “‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ SUCKED.”

8. Making Yule logs out of compressed and dried members of your Congressional delegation.

7. To save time, movie theater concession stands will serve Chinese food.

6. Egg nog car wash.

5. We really should call that “footballey-eatey” day before Black Friday something special.

4. Christmas bramble-themed decorating where all the tangled lights can just be dumped on the front lawn.

3. Living Nativity entirely comprised of chimpanzees.

2. A red Christmas ball gag for that loud, annoying relative who just won’t shut up about the President’s birth certificate.

And the Number One Holiday Tradition We Desperately Need…

1. Mistletoe is for kissing. So let’s raise the stakes a little under the “Cameltoe.”