Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

“Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.

You fall off the floor.

You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”

Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bob Dole starts to make sense.

When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.

Vampires get woozy after biting you.

The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

When vomiting becomes a relief.

Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.

Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.

Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.

Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.

If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

Take me drunk, I’m home!

The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!

You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.

You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

You drink to get over a hangover.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.

The whisky ain’t working anymore.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

I’m as jober as a sudge!

You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!

I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.