Topic: religion

  • Papal Joyride: A Divine Driving Desire

    After getting Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the pope is still standing on the curb.

    “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

    “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

    “I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?!” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

    “Who’s going to tell?” says the pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h.

    “Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license—and my job!” moans the driver.

    The pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
    “I need to talk to the chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

    The chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 km/h.

    “So bust him,” says the chief.

    “I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,” says the cop.

    The chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”

    “No, I mean really important,” says the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The chief then asks, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “A senator?”
    Cop: “Bigger.”

    Chief: “The president?”

    Cop: “Bigger.”

    “Well,” says the chief, “who is it?”

    Cop: “I think it’s God!”

    The chief is even more puzzled and curious. “What makes you think it’s God?”

    Cop: “His chauffeur is the pope!”

  • Proudly Sinful in Just Thirty Minutes!

    “Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”

    “Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”

    “I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”

    “You forgot pride,” the priest says.

    “No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”

  • Heavenly Lines and Unholy Punchlines

    An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

    The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

    God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

    The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

  • Church’s Board Meeting

    After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
    The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

    “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

    “I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

  • A priest goes to heaven

    A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.

    “What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”

    “Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,

    “I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”

    “Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”

    “So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest

    “Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god

    “so?”

    “Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.

  • A young priest is hearing confession

    A young priest is hearing confession for the first time on a dull, damp Saturday afternoon.

    He hears the church door open, and someone comes stumbling in from the rain, staggers over to the confessional, and half-falls in, yanking the door shut behind him.

    Then everything is quiet for a while, and the priest hears only labored breathing and the occasional drunken mutter from the other side before it lapses into silence.

    It seems like the visitor has fallen asleep, so the priest gives a discreet cough and a tap on the partition.

    From the other side, a heavily refreshed voice says, “It’s no use coughing, and it’s no use knocking, sir. There’s no paper on this side either!”

  • Mormon and Irishman

    A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.

    Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.

    The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.

    Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”