The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
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