14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.
13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.
12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.
11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.
10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.
9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.
8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.
7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!
6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.
5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.
4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.
3. Designated drivers drink free all night!
2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?
1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White
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