The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

1. you don’t have to look your best

2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.