Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.

14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.

13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?

12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.

11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.

10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”

9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.

8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.

7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.

6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.

5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.

4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!

3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.

2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.

1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.

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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]