Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye

    A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.

    When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.

    Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”

    Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.

    By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

  • Maybe If I Fart on Him

    Maybe if I fart on him
    He’ll stop poking me with it

  • Patrick With Them Two Arseholes

    Patrick died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

    Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

    Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

    So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

    Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Patrick.”

    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

    Sean said, “Well, Patrick had two arseholes.”

    “What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

    “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Patrick with them two arseholes…’”

  • Three Horse

    An old Indian was asked the name of his wife,

    He replied, “Three Horse.”

    “That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”

    The Indian replied, “It’s an old Indian name.”

    It means, Nag, Nag, Nag.

  • Ready To Settle Down

    Ready To Settle Down

    Her: I’m ready to settle down

    Also her:

    [photo of a giant sinkhole]

  • The Teddy Bear Collection

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk, they laugh, and really hit it off.

    Before long, they decide to go back to his place.

    As he shows her around his apartment, she notices something unusual in his bedroom… an entire wall covered in soft, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three long shelves filled from end to end.

    The bottom shelf is lined with small teddy bears.

    The middle shelf holds medium-sized bears.

    And the top shelf is packed with huge, oversized teddy bears.

    She can tell he spent a lot of time arranging them just right.

    For such a masculine-looking guy, the display surprises her—but she also finds it sweet and endearing.

    She doesn’t say anything, but she’s impressed by his sensitive side.

    They share a bottle of wine, talk for hours, and the more they talk, the more she thinks, “Oh my… this man might actually be the one. He could even be the father of my future children.”

    They start kissing. The chemistry is strong. Soon he sweeps her into his arms and carries her to the bedroom.

    After an intense night of passion, they lie together, catching their breath.

    She gently strokes his chest, smiles, and asks softly, “Well… how was it?”

    He smiles back, brushes her cheek, looks lovingly into her eyes and says, “Help yourself to any prize… from the middle shelf.”

  • The Ex-Wife and the Coffee Catch-Up

    A man bumps into his ex-wife after not talking for many years, and they decide to grab a coffee together and catch up.

    “So,” says the man, “I heard you got remarried.”

    “That’s right,” she says.

    The man smirks. “And how does he like your sorry excuse for cooking?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says.

    “And how does he like your god-awful blowjobs?”

    “Oh, he likes them just fine,” she says.

    “Yeah? And how does he like that tired, worn-out old pussy?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says. “Once he gets past the tired, worn-out part.”

  • Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents

    A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.

    She warns him that her family has an unusual dinner tradition: the first person to speak must do all the dishes. He thinks it’s odd but agrees to the dinner.

    He drives up to the house and puts the tub of Vaseline in his pocket and goes to the door. His girlfriend opens the door and whispers to him that dinner has already begun and he must remain silent or else do all of the dishes. He walks past the kitchen and sees what looks like a week of dirty dishes piled up. He certainly is not going to speak first and be stuck with that mess.

    He sits down and sees a family eating dinner with their heads down, eating in complete silence. He decides he can get someone to speak. He throws his girlfriend on the dinner table and has his way with her. Nobody even looks up.

    He then throws the mother on the table and has his way with her. Again, nobody even looks up from their plate.

    Just then, a loud clap of thunder rattles the house. Remembering about the motorcycle, the boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline.

    The father stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll do the dishes!”