Joke Type: buildup

Buildup jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Tom and the Alaskan Party

    After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.

    One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”

    “Sounds great,” says Tom.

    Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”

    “No problem—I can handle that.”

    “Probably some fightin’, too.”

    “I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”

    “Maybe some wild sex, too.”

    “Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”

    Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”

  • Marge and Mildred at the Wheel

    After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.

    Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”

    A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!

    She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”

    Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”

  • The Five Penguins in the Back Seat

    Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat.

    Attendant says, “WTF — you have 5 penguins in your back seat.”

    “I KNOW!” the guy says. “They jumped in at the light, and now I don’t know what to do.”

    Attendant thinks for a second and says, “I’ll tell you what I’d do — I’d take them to the zoo.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says the driver.

    A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they’re wearing sunglasses.

    “What are you doing — I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” exclaims the attendant.

    “We did go! We had a great time! Today we’re going to the beach!”

  • The Duck Hunter and the Farmer

    A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.

    The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”

    The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”

    The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”

    The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”

    The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”

    The hunter says, “Country style?”

    The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”

    The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”

    The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”

    The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”

    The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.

    After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”

    The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”

  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

  • The Soldier Who Broke Cover

    A sergeant yelled at one of his soldiers, “Why did you blow your cover and run out of the bushes?”

    “Sorry, sir. I didn’t move when the dog peed on me. I didn’t move when a snake crawled over me.”

    Sergeant: “Then what happened?”

    “Well sir, two squirrels ran up my pants, and one said, ‘Let’s eat one now, and save the other for winter!’ That’s when I lost it!”

  • The Tech-Themed Restaurant

    I was at this new tech-themed restaurant the other day.

    When I walked in, the whole place was decorated like the inside of a computer. Tables looked like motherboards, placemats like keyboards, and the glasses were giant USB sticks.

    The host greeted me — dressed in full “nerd” attire, glasses, pocket protector, the works — but something felt off. He just seemed really, really sad. I brushed it off and got seated.

    The waitress who brought the menu barely said a word. Honestly, she seemed even more depressed than the host.

    After perusing the “main menu,” I decided to have the fish and microchips.

    The waiter taking my order was barely listening, then suddenly started crying as he wrote it down and walked off in tears. I’m thinking… what is going on here?

    Anyway, 25 minutes goes by… then 45… then an hour. No food. No staff.

    So I finally stopped the manager.

    “Hey man, what’s going on? I’ve been waiting an hour. Where’s my food, and why is everyone so upset?”

    He looks at me and says, “Sorry, sir… all of our servers are down.”

  • The New Dress and the Math Lesson

    One evening, a wife was trying on her brand-new dress in front of the mirror.

    Feeling confident and excited, she walked over to her husband with a sweet smile.

    Husband: “Well… from the hair, you look like an 18-year-old girl.”

    Husband: “From the face, you look like a 20-year-old girl.”

    Husband: “And from the body… wow, like a 22-year-old girl!”

    Wife: “Aww… stop it, you’re making me blush…”

    Wife: “So… overall, how old do I look?”

    Husband: “Well… just add them all together.”

  • The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp

    A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…

    The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

    The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

    The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”

  • The Smartest Pig in the World

    A journalist heard about an incredibly smart pig out in the country, so he decided to go and check it out.

    He arrives at the farm and meets the owner.
    “I’ve heard your pig is exceptionally intelligent,” the journalist says. “Could you tell me why?”

    “Well, I’ll tell ya,” the farmer replies. “The other day, my pregnant wife’s water broke all of a sudden. The pig saw it happen. He ran out into the yard, saw me working out in the field, and jumped up on the tractor. He started the engine and leaned on the horn as hard as he could. I heard the racket, rushed back to the house, and was able to get my wife to the hospital just in time.”

    “Wow, that’s truly impressive!” says the journalist.

    “Oh, but it gets even crazier! The other day, I was working on the grain auger. I don’t know what happened, but I must not have turned the tractor off right, because the auger started spinning. My hand got caught in it, and it started pulling me in. I thought for sure I was gonna lose my arm. But then, that pig came charging out. He jumped into the tractor, cut the ignition, and ran over to pull me free. Once my hand was out—it was pretty banged up—he reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone in his mouth, and I don’t know how he did it, but he dialed 911. I was able to talk to the paramedics; they got here fast and saved my arm.”

    Stunned, the journalist asks to see the pig.

    The farmer leads him over to the pen and shows him a pig with only three legs.

    The journalist, totally baffled, asks: “Wait, why does he only have three legs?”

    “Well, heck!” the farmer says. “A pig that smart? You don’t eat him all at once!”