Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Compass That Points West

    I made a compass that always points west instead of north. A customer bought it, only to return it the next day, telling me it was set up wrong and asking for his money back.

    I assured him it was working exactly as intended:

    “It’s set up occidentally on purpose.”

    He wasn’t having any of it and informed me, with a strong lisp case of rhotacism, that he was an undercover policeman and would be pressing charges.

    “You’re under a west!” he said.

    And so I was carted away to be incarcerated at the Antarctic Correctional Facility for Crooked Compass Makers and Cartographers.

    Honestly, I didn’t expect things to go south so quickly…

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  • A Week Of Names

    Monday: Greg
    Tuesday: Ian
    Wednesday: Greg
    Thursday: Ian
    Friday: Greg
    Saturday: Ian
    Sunday: Greg

    The Gregorian Calendar.

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  • A Quick Fix For Back Pain

    I went to the doctor because I was having back pain.

    He examined me and said, “It turns out one of your legs is longer than the other. But good news, I have a quick fix!”

    “Nonsense,” I said. “You can’t fix one leg being longer than the other!”

    He handed me a thick insole and told me to put it in the shoe of my shorter leg.

    “Just try it. You’ll see.”

    So I did.

    Amazingly, my back pain disappeared, and I could stand up straight again.

    “Oh,” I said, feeling a little embarrassed. “I guess I stand corrected.”

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  • The Vastness of Space

    If you think about the vastness of space, and how enormous our galaxy is, and how big our planet is, and how small we are, I’m not really eating all that much cheese.

  • Suing the Airlines for Mishandling My Luggage

    I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.

    They lost the case.

  • My Girlfriend

    I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

    I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

  • Did you know that everything in the dictionary starts with “E”?

    Did you know that everything in the dictionary starts with “E”?

  • Going to a Child Psychologist

    I used to go to a child psychologist. That kid did nothing for me.

  • The Movie About a Fish at a Cardboard Company

    Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

    Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.

  • Three Men At The Pub

    An American, a Mexican, and an Australian walk into a pub.

    The Mexican says, “I’ll have a Corona. The finest beer of Mexico.”

    The American says, “I’ll have a Budweiser. The king of beers.”

    The Australian says, “I’ll have a ginger ale.”

    “A ginger ale?” the American asks quizzically.

    The Australian replies, “Well, if you two aren’t going to have a proper beer, why should I?”

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