Joke Type: buildup

Buildup jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • No Fuck No Ride

    A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”

    “No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.

    The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.

    Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.

    The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”

    “Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.

    “Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”

    Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.

    He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.

    Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.

    “What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”

    The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Chicken Was Delicious

    Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.

    When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.

    Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.

    The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”

    The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”

    The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”

    The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”

    A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.

    To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”

    To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”

    To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”

    And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Last Thing You Want to Hear

    When I was getting my physical, at one point the doctor told me I’d feel a small prick.

    Definitely the last thing you want to hear before a prostate exam.

  • Do You Have a Weedeater

    Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”

    Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.

    The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

    “Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”

    Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”

    “Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.

    “Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.

    “Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.

    The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”

    Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”

    “And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.

    “Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.

    The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”

    “Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.

    The redneck was starting to catch on.

    “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.

    “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.

    The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.

    “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.

    “Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.

    “Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”

    Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”

    “No.”

    Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Most Potent Aphrodisiac

    Mrs. Jones has been happily married to her husband for 50 years, but she is disappointed by how they are no longer intimate anymore in their autumn years. She decides to see her doctor.

    “Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?” the doctor smiles. She explains her situation and the doctor nods.

    “That is fine, Mrs. Jones, I can give you some pills for him to take.” Mrs. Jones shakes her head sadly. “Doctor, he refuses to take pills. It’s too embarrassing for him to think he has to take pills for sex.”

    The doctor says, “Ok, take this vial of liquid and put it in his morning coffee.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day. “Nothing, doctor, not even a hint of passion,” she says, disappointed.

    “Fine,” the doctor says. “Take this edible gel, and when you make him lunch, spread it on his sandwiches like butter. That’ll perk him up.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, annoyed. “Again, nothing. He didn’t so much as get excited, even when I wore some lacy panties to bed that night.”

    The doctor scratches his head. “Right then.” He goes to a drawer and comes back with a medication that comes in a salt shaker. “Put this on his dinner. It is our most potent aphrodisiac.”

    Mrs. Jones leaves and comes back the next day, absolutely furious. The doctor says, “Mrs. Jones, you must be joking, surely something happened.”

    Mrs. Jones angrily exclaims, “As soon as he had one bite, he got a mad glint in his eye. He took me and we had mad, wild, passionate sex. Right there on the table!”

    The doctor is confused. “But surely that’s what you wanted.”

    Mrs. Jones replies, “Of course, it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.”

    The doctor says, “But why are you so upset?”

    Mrs. Jones shouts, “I can never show my face in that restaurant again!!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Cleaning Up With Change

    A hunter from the East goes hunting out West in Wyoming.

    He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure. At some point the hunter has to use a commode.

    He says to his guide, “Man, I really have to use the restroom. Where is it?”

    The guide cracks up laughing. “Are you serious? We’re in the middle of Wyoming and you’re asking where the restroom is?”

    “Well it’s kinda an emergency,” the hunter says.

    The guide says, “You just hang your ass over that log over there. We’re roughing it today, Sport!”

    So the hunter does his business but realizes there is no toilet paper, so he asks his guide, “What do I use to clean up with?”

    The guide says, “You got a dollar?”

    The hunter says, “I do.”

    The guide says, “Just use that!”

    The hunter comes back with poop all over himself. He was a disgusting mess.

    The guide says, “What the hell, man. What happened to you?”

    The hunter says, “You try cleaning yourself up with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Give Her Another Chance

    A blonde pays $1,000,000 to rent a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

    She fills it with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up on live TV.

    She starts with a simple math question.

    “What’s twenty plus three?” she asks.

    The volunteer thinks for a moment and whispers, “Nine?”

    Instantly, the crowd of 80,000 blondes erupts:

    “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

    The presenter smiles, calms the crowd, and tries again.

    “Okay dear… what’s two plus two?”

    After a long pause, the blonde whispers, “Four?”

    Once again, the stadium roars:

    “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail