A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosJoke Type: story joke
Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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A Visit To Grandpa
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived alone way out in the country.
The first morning, Grandpa prepared a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. As John sat down to eat, he noticed a strange film on his plate.
“Grandpa,” he asked cautiously, “are these plates clean?”
Grandpa looked at him and replied, “They’s as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John decided not to argue and ate his breakfast.
At lunchtime, Grandpa made hamburgers. As John sat down, he noticed what appeared to be a few dried bits of egg stuck to his plate.
“Grandpa,” he said, “are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up, Grandpa replied, “Like I said at breakfast, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John reluctantly ate his hamburger.
That evening, Grandpa served dinner. John examined his plate very carefully and noticed what looked suspiciously like a smear of mustard left over from his lunch.
“Grandpa,” John said, trying to remain polite, “are you sure the dishes are clean?”
Grandpa looked up, a little annoyed.
“Consarn it! Like I told you, they’s as clean as cold water can get ’em!”
John figured there was no point arguing with Grandpa and finished his meal.
The next morning, John got up early to head home. He thanked Grandpa for the visit, grabbed his bags, and headed for the front door. But as he reached the doorway, Grandpa’s dog suddenly started growling and blocking his way. John stepped back and called out, “Grandpa! Your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa looked over at the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
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The Adult Toy Shop and the Checkered Thermos
The owner of an adult toy shop was training his new employee on the rules, how things worked, and the price list of their products.
“The only items without price tags are the dildos kept behind the cashier counter.
The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.
Everything else in the store already has the price marked on it.
Now, I’m heading out for a bit to take care of something important. I’ll be back in about an hour or two.”
Business went smoothly for an hour, until finally a customer asked about the items kept behind the counter.
“How much are those toys?”
“The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.”
“Oh, those are nice! How much is that one with the checkered pattern?”
Thinking quickly on his feet, the employee replied, “That one is $200.”
“SOLD! I’ll take it!”
An hour later, the owner returned and asked how business had been while he was gone.
“It was booming, Boss! I managed to sell five of the white ones and ten of the black ones. And I also got $200 for that checkered thermos of yours you had sitting back there!”
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Putin’s Driver and the Pig
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
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The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game
Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.
The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”
Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.
The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”
The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”
The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”
They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.
He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”
And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”
