Meh Thoughts

I woke up to an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

My instinct was to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized that one should never make rash decisions!

I interviewed 10,000 thousand people who had played Russian roulette and not a single one of them were harmed from the game.

What’s the difference between an alligator, and a crocodile?

One you will see later; the other after a while.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Half of the people you know are below average.

I’ve had a lot of average students.

But none of them have been as mean as the ones I have this year.

A man meets a genie who grants him three wishes, but warns him: whatever he asks for, his ex-wife gets twice as much.

“Well,” says the man, “for my first wish, beat me half to death.”

I’ve decided that cremation is the only way I’m going to get a smoking hot body.

Blood donation centers ask way too many questions:

“Where’d you get it?”
“Whose blood is it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

Donate a kidney and you’re a hero.

Donate three and it’s nothing but questions.