The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says it is half empty. The nurse says, “Just shut up and finish filling the bottle so we can do your drug test.”
Meh Thoughts
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When I awoke in a puddle of my own vomit after a night of Halloween candy binging, I
When I awoke in a puddle of my own vomit after a night of Halloween candy binging, I suddenly realized why no one would ever market creamed-style candy corn.
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I can sit and watch my cat play with a ball of string for hours.
I can sit and watch my cat play with a ball of string for hours. It takes so little to amuse his tiny brain!
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Man, they are so strict at my new job.
Man, they are so strict at my new job. It’s constantly: “No personal calls,” “Don’t surf the Web,” “Put your pants back on.” I mean, who can work in an environment like that?
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One advantage of our entire class of 1978 failing math is that we can pretty much show
One advantage of our entire class of 1978 failing math is that we can pretty much show up at any class reunions we choose.
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During long-ago times when pirates raided the high seas, I’d imagine only the kinkiest
During long-ago times when pirates raided the high seas, I’d imagine only the kinkiest and most masochistic of prostitutes would be known as “hookers.”
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If we don’t carefully conserve our valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we’ll find they’ve
If we don’t carefully conserve our valuable cheap joke reserves, soon we’ll find they’ve gone the way of the dildo.
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I think time is crucial to anything.
I think time is crucial to anything. For example, if you lock an infinite number of monkeys in a room with those typewriters, but you limit the amount of time they have to write, the best you’ll get out of them is the pilot to “The Dukes of Hazzard.”
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Great!
Great! After weathering the screening process required to join the polygamist sect, the elders decide to stick me with *one* wife who happens to have multiple personality disorder.
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Some people think I’m paranoid, but you never know when a rearview mirror on your
Some people think I’m paranoid, but you never know when a rearview mirror on your stationary bike will come in handy.
