Meh Thoughts

What did Alice Cooper say when he quit his job at Taco Bell?

No more Mr rice guy…
No more Mr beans and cheeheeheese

Why would you invite two Mormons to go fishing?

Because if you only invite one, they’ll drink all your beer.

I like how my new doctor knocks before he enters the exam room when I’m in there.

Because of his thoughtfulness, I may never get caught boosting drug samples and hypodermic needles again.

I wanted to start off the new year with a bang, but the wife said she had a headache.

My doctor told me bananas were good for the prostate.

I wish he had also told me I needed to eat them.

Did you know that wolves can jump higher than an average 1 story house?

Absolutely true, but mostly because houses can’t jump very high.

There are no canaries on Canary Island. The same thing is true about the Virgin Islands.

There are no canaries there, either.

If I ever blow up a building, I’m going to wire the bomb so that it goes off with 10 seconds still showing on the timer.

Won’t that guy with the wire cutters be surprised!

You say “toh-MAY-toh,” I say “toh-MAH-toh.”
You say “soothing lotion for breastfeeding mothers,” I say “boob lube.”

This is why you shouldn’t let me write the shopping list.