Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself! . His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said,
“You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead!”
A man goes in for a physical, and the doctor asks him about his daily routine.
The man says, “Well, Doc, just yesterday afternoon I must’ve walked at least five miles. I waded up to my knees in a lake, drank three beers, outran a pack of wild dogs in the underbrush, drank another two beers, took a long, leisurely piss behind a tree, and stepped out of the way of an aggressive rattlesnake.
Drank another beer, crawled out of quicksand, stood in a poison ivy patch, drank another two beers, climbed up and down five steep hills, and took another leak behind a tree.”
The doctor, listening to all of this, is duly impressed. “Man, you must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“Nah, Doc,” the man says. “I’m just a shitty golfer.”
A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.
About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”
The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”
“Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”
“Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”
“…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.
The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”
The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”
A man reaches the age of 100 and a news crew goes to see what his secret to long life is. The neighbor kids say “He’s always drinking on his front porch.” The local police say “we always have to pick him up from the bars for fighting.” The butcher says “He eats a pound of bacon from my store every day!” Finally they go to his house to interview him.
Sure enough, his front lawn is strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans. The old man comes to the door, his face weathered and brown, with nicotine stains on his teeth, and the smell of bacon wafting out the door. But he’s walking, just a little slow, but really well for a 100 year old man.
“Sir, how did you manage to live so long? It sounds like you have so many unhealthy habits, is there anything special you do?”.
“Well, first, I bribed the pension office to say I was 75, so I could retire at 30. That was about thirty years ago.”
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.
Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.
Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
A man comes home extremely drunk, goes straight to bed, and falls asleep.
That night, he dies in his sleep.
In the afterlife, an angel greets him and explains what happened. The man is devastated. He tells the angel he still has so much to do in life, regrets drinking so much, and swears that if he’s sent back, he’ll never drink again and will live a healthy life.
The angel says it’s impossible.
After a lot of begging, though, the angel says there is one option: he can return to Earth as a chicken.
The man thinks, “Well, that’s still better than being dead,” and agrees.
He wakes up on a large farm, surrounded by dozens of chickens. He walks around a bit, eats some feed, and even nods at a few other chickens.
Suddenly, he feels an intense pressure in his stomach.
He asks the chicken next to him what’s happening.
The chicken says, “Relax. It’s just an egg. Push as hard as you can and lay it.”
So he starts pushing with all his strength. He feels something moving inside him, slowly making its way out…
Just as it’s about to come out, his wife wakes him up and yells:
“Wake up, you idiot! You’re shitting the bed!”
