Topic: alcohol

Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

  • A Little Drinking Problem

    A Little Drinking Problem

    I think I might have a little drinking problem

  • Order in the Court

    A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. “Sir, you’ve been brought before me for drinking.”

    “Fantastic,” says the defendant. “Let’s get started!”

    All present in the court burst out laughing.

    Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, “Order! Order!”

    And the defendant says, “All right… I’ll have a whiskey and soda.”

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  • The Murphy Twins at the Pub

    Two Irishmen sitting in a pub in Dublin.

    One turns to the other and asks, “Here… do I know you?”

    The second replies, “I was about to ask you the same thing! What school did you go to?”

    The first man replies, “I went to St. Brendan’s from 1954 until 1960.”

    The second man’s eyes widen with surprise. “So did I! I was in class 2!”

    The first man chimes up, “I was in class 2 as well! What part of Dublin are you from?”

    The second man says, “I lived at 16 Foley Street my whole life.”

    The first man excitedly replies, “What are the chances of that? I lived at number 16 Foley Street!”

    And all the while, the poor barman thinks to himself, “I hate it when the Murphy twins get drunk.”

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  • The Irish Man and the Beer at the Bar

    An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him…

    The Chinese man takes a drink, and the Irish man says to him, “Do you know Kung Fu?”

    The Chinese man says, “Why, because I’m Chinese? That’s just racist!”

    The Irish man says, “No, I ask because you’re drinking my beer.”

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  • The Beer CEOs at the Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

    The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

    The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

    The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

    The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”

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  • Marge and Mildred at the Wheel

    After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.

    Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”

    A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!

    She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”

    Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”

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  • Four Beer CEOs Walk Into a Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walked into a bar…

    The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.

    The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

    The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn’t order a Guinness, to which he replied:

    “I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer it would be rude for me to.”

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  • The Juggler’s DUI Test

    A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.

    The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”

    “I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

    The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”

    So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.

    The cop stands by, watching intently.

    Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.

    “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

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  • Two Irishmen at Sea

    Two Irishmen lost at sea — they’d been out there for quite a few days, dehydrated and parched from the sun. They’re just watching the waves, trying to spot land, when one of them looks down and a bottle floats by.

    Without even thinking, he grabs the bottle and wipes the label to see what it is, and all of a sudden a genie pops out and says, “You’ve released me from my prison, so I’m going to grant you just one wish — no more, no less!”

    So the Irishman, without thinking it through, shouts, “Turn the entire ocean into a big vat of Guinness!”

    The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and turns the entire ocean into Guinness.

    The second Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, “NO YOU IDIOT!!!! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

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