A guy goes to the psychiatrist and the doctor orders a Rorschach test.
He shows his patient the first inkblot and asks what he sees. The reply: “Sex.”
Second inkblot, same question. The reply: “Sex.” Third time around, same thing.
The doctor says, “All you have on your mind is sex.”
The patient replies, “Well, of course I do, because you keep showing me those dirty pictures.”
On the first day of college, the dean is making his initial address to the incoming student body and going over some of the rules.
“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is out-of-bounds for all female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”
“Yeah,” says a guy in the back. “How much for a season pass?”
An elderly Jewish man is walking down the street when he sudden slips and falls.
People rush to help him, with one passer by rolling up his own coat to cradle the elderly Jewish man’s head.
“Sir,” the man says. “We’re calling an ambulance. Are you comfortable?”
The elderly Jewish man gives a weak shrug and says: “Eh. I make a living.”
I forgot to zip my pants today, so a lady politely told me, “Sir, your garage is open.”
I zipped them up and asked, “Did you see my monster truck parked inside?”
The lady smiled and said, “No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires…”
I’m still crying.
Some tourists at the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
