Topic: humor
-
Captain’s Secret Weapon: The Red Vest!
A merchant ship filled with gold is sailing in the Caribbean when the lookout in the crow’s nest suddenly cries out, “Pirate ship off the starboard bow!” The captain immediately orders, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
A fierce battle follows, and the pirates are driven off.
The next day, the lookout calls again, “Pirate ship off the port bow!”
Without hesitation, the captain shouts, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
Once more, the pirates are defeated.
Two days later, the lookout bellows, “Pirate ship dead ahead!”
The captain remains calm. “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my red vest.”
Again, the pirates are beaten back.
After the fight, the first mate approaches the captain. “Begging your pardon, sir, but why do you always ask for your red vest when we’re under attack?” The captain replies, “So that if I am wounded in battle, the crew will not see my blood and lose heart.”
Three days later, the lookout’s voice rings out in alarm: “Three pirate ships off the starboard bow, the port bow, and dead ahead!”
The captain turns to his first mate and says, “Hoist the sails! Man the cannons! And bring me my brown trousers.”
-
Check for Alive: Doctor’s Brainy Defense
In the courtroom, the defense lawyer is examining the witness.
“Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
“No.”
“Did you check for blood pressure?”
“No.”
“Did you check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
“No.”
“How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
“Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
“But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
“Yes, it is possible he could have been alive… and even practicing law somewhere.”
-
Turpentine: A Horse’s Diarrhea Cure?
A young farmer is having trouble with one of his horses, which is suffering from diarrhea. He doesn’t know what to do, so he seeks advice from the old farmer down the road.
“Farmer John, surely you’ve seen this problem before. What should I do with a horse with diarrhea?” he asks.
Farmer John smiles and says, “Well, a few years back one of my horses had that problem, and I gave him a drink of turpentine.”
Relieved to have an answer, the young farmer runs home and administers the same treatment to his horse.
Sadly, the next morning his horse is dead. He runs back over to Farmer John’s place.
“John, I gave my horse turpentine, but he died!” the young farmer says.
Farmer John nods thoughtfully and says, “Aye… mine did too.”
