Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
“What’s that?” the first asks.
“It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
“Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”
A guy is walking along a beach and finds an old lamp.
He rubs it, and a genie pops out. The genie says, “I can grant you three wishes, but there’s a catch: your ex-wife gets double whatever you ask for.”
The man thinks and says, “For my first wish, I’d like a billion dollars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have a billion dollars, and your ex-wife has two billion.”
The man says, “For my second wish, I’d like a fleet of the world’s finest sports cars.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. You have ten Ferraris, and your ex-wife has twenty.”
The man pauses, looking very thoughtful. Finally, he says, “For my third wish… I’d like to donate one of my kidneys.”
John runs into his old friend Gary, who looks like he’s been beaten by a thousand fists.
Now Gary is the nicest guy ever; it’s hard to imagine anyone getting mad at him, let alone beating him so savagely.
I asked, “What happened?!?!”
He explained, “Well, I was on the escalator, and the lady in front of me was wearing a pretty skirt, but it had bunched up between her cheeks, so I gently pulled it out. Then she turned around and slapped me.”
“Wow! Maybe you should have just let it be, but it looks like you got more than just slapped.”
“I know! I knew I messed up, and I felt bad, so when she turned around, I started poking it back in…”
Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.
Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.
Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”
Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”
Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.
Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”
The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.
The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.
Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”
Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”
Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.
The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”
Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”
Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”
The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”
Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”
Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”
Principal: “OH MY GOD!”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”
Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”
Principal: “Ohooo!”
Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”
Principal: “Eeeeeh!”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
