Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • You Were Starting to Sound Like My Ex-Wife

    Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

    After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”

    Tom got a horrified look on his face.

    She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

    Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”

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  • Thatll Put an End to That Nonsense

    Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

    One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy, you look really tired!” His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time – three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!”

    A fellow in his seventies is sitting a few bar stools down from them and overhears their conversation. He looks over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says, “Marry her. That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”

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  • Two No Shows But I Had Fun

    I had my first threesome tonight.

    There were two no shows but I had fun.

  • Youll Never Hit Her From Here

    Two guys were out playing golf.

    Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

    “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.

    “Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

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  • Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…

    She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.

    The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.

    As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

    She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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  • A Solid 10 But Also Imaginary

    My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

    A solid 10, but also imaginary.

  • Does The Carpet Match The Drapes It Does Now

    Does The Carpet Match The Drapes It Does Now

  • Thats Not Your Man Thats Garlic Bread

    Thats Not Your Man Thats Garlic Bread

  • Put A Ring On It I Hope She Likes It

    Put A Ring On It I Hope She Likes It

  • She Likes Surprises Flowers Are Nice

    She Likes Surprises Flowers Are Nice