Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Ed and Nancy and the Golf Confession

    Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise, and from the moment Ed saw her, he was absolutely captivated. They spent the days dancing under the stars, sharing long conversations by the deck rail, and laughing over fancy cocktails.

    When they returned home and realized they lived just a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. Without hesitation, he began asking her out.

    In the weeks that followed, Ed took Nancy to dance clubs, candlelit dinners, concerts, movies, and museums. Every date was better than the last, and with each passing moment, Ed grew more certain—Nancy was the one.

    To celebrate the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed planned something special: a romantic evening at an elegant restaurant.

    As they sipped their cocktails, waiting for their salads, Ed took a deep breath, straightened his tie, and cleared his throat.

    “Nancy,” he began, his eyes warm with sincerity, “I think you can tell—I’m completely in love with you. But before we take the next step, I need to be upfront about something.”

    Nancy leaned in, intrigued.

    Ed continued, “Before I reach into my jacket for a certain little box and ask you a life-changing question, there’s something you should know. I’m a golf fanatic. I play, I read about it, I watch it on TV—I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s a deal-breaker, now’s the time to tell me.”

    Nancy took a slow sip of her drink, set it down, and smiled. “Ed, that won’t be a problem at all. I love you just the way you are, and I love golf too!”

    She paused, then added, “But since we’re being completely honest… I should tell you that for the last five years, I’ve been a hooker.”

    Ed blinked. His mind raced. Then, after a brief pause, he leaned in with a knowing grin and said,

    “Well, that’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you swing.”

  • The Worst Lover in the World

    A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow following sex.

    The woman says, “You must be the worst lover in the world.”

    The man defensively replies, “Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?”

  • A Quiet Night in the Parking Spot

    A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

    “Yes, officer?”

    “What are you doing?”

    “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”

    Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

    The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”

    The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

    “What’s your age, young man?”

    “I’m 22, sir.”

    “And her, what’s her age?”

    The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”

  • You Were Starting to Sound Like My Ex-Wife

    Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

    After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.”

    Tom got a horrified look on his face.

    She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

    Tom replied, “I wasn’t.”

  • Thatll Put an End to That Nonsense

    Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer.

    One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy, you look really tired!” His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time – three, four, sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!”

    A fellow in his seventies is sitting a few bar stools down from them and overhears their conversation. He looks over at the two men and, showing the wisdom of his age, says, “Marry her. That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”

  • Two No Shows But I Had Fun

    I had my first threesome tonight.

    There were two no shows but I had fun.

  • Youll Never Hit Her From Here

    Two guys were out playing golf.

    Dan stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity – looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

    Finally his exasperated friend Ken cried, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

    “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot,” answered Dan.

    “Forget it, man,” said Ken. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

  • Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…

    She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.

    The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.

    As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

    She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

  • A Solid 10 But Also Imaginary

    My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

    A solid 10, but also imaginary.