The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday

15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.

14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.

13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.

12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.

11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!

10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.

9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.

8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.

7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.

6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.

5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.

4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.

3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”

2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.

1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.