Joke Type: surprise twist

Surprise twist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Im Monica

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

    The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

  • See Mom Its Just Gas

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.

    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

    While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.

    Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time, “MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?”

    This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!”

    While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

  • How Do You Like That

    This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”

    And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.

    Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”

  • What Fucking Trip

    Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

    On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

  • Im Just Chewing Some Gum

    Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.

    Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

    LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

    The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

    “So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

    “Marvelous! Never better.”

    “Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

    “Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”

  • Size 36 Underwear

    Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

    He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

    The Doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

    He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

    When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need… A new suit.”

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

    Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

    Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

    “Been in the business 60 years.”

    Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

    The salesman said, “Let’s see… size 36.”

    Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

    The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”