Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • A Compass That Points West

    I made a compass that always points west instead of north. A customer bought it, only to return it the next day, telling me it was set up wrong and asking for his money back.

    I assured him it was working exactly as intended:

    “It’s set up occidentally on purpose.”

    He wasn’t having any of it and informed me, with a strong lisp case of rhotacism, that he was an undercover policeman and would be pressing charges.

    “You’re under a west!” he said.

    And so I was carted away to be incarcerated at the Antarctic Correctional Facility for Crooked Compass Makers and Cartographers.

    Honestly, I didn’t expect things to go south so quickly…

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  • A Week Of Names

    Monday: Greg
    Tuesday: Ian
    Wednesday: Greg
    Thursday: Ian
    Friday: Greg
    Saturday: Ian
    Sunday: Greg

    The Gregorian Calendar.

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  • A Woman On The Train

    A man is sitting on the train when a woman sits across from him. He cannot avoid the fact that she’s gorgeous, and as he’s checking her out, he notices she’s wearing a skirt but no underwear. She catches him, and he quickly looks away, embarrassed.

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    She calms him, tells him it wasn’t a big deal, and they start chatting as the train leaves the station.

    As they travel together, she tells him that her vagina can do tricks.

    “No way,” he says.

    “Yes way,” she says. “Look, I’m gonna make my vagina wink at you.” She proceeds to make it move, which leaves him impressed.

    “That was awesome!” he says.

    “Now look as it throws you a kiss,” and soon enough she makes it blow a kiss.

    “Fantastic!” he exclaims. At this point, she is visibly aroused.

    “Say, you wanna stick your fingers in there?” she asks.

    “You’re kidding, right? IT CAN WHISTLE TOO?!”

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  • A Quick Fix For Back Pain

    I went to the doctor because I was having back pain.

    He examined me and said, “It turns out one of your legs is longer than the other. But good news, I have a quick fix!”

    “Nonsense,” I said. “You can’t fix one leg being longer than the other!”

    He handed me a thick insole and told me to put it in the shoe of my shorter leg.

    “Just try it. You’ll see.”

    So I did.

    Amazingly, my back pain disappeared, and I could stand up straight again.

    “Oh,” I said, feeling a little embarrassed. “I guess I stand corrected.”

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  • The Huge Fish

    A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”

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    “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.

    Embarrassed, the sailor says, “Sorry, Father, but that’s what this fish is called. It’s a Fucker fish.” Accepting the explanation, the priest takes the fish back to church.

    “Look at this huge fucker,” says the priest, spotting the bishop.

    The bishop cleans the fish and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?”

    The mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight. The Pope is coming for dinner!”

    The fish tastes great, and the Pope asks where they got it.

    “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest.

    “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop.

    “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior.

    The Pope stares at them, leans back, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey, and says, “You know what? You cunts are alright.”

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  • A Walk Past The Restaurant

    A Scotsman and his wife are walking past a restaurant. The wife says, “Did you smell that food? It smells absolutely incredible!”

    The Scotsman thinks, “What the hell, it is her birthday.”

    So they walked past it again.

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  • Three Women At The Gynecologist

    Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.

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    “What was that?” the others asked her.

    “Oh, it was Vitamin C. I want my baby to be healthy.”

    A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.

    “What was that?” the others asked.

    “Oh, it was iron. I want my baby to be big and strong.”

    They continued knitting. Finally, the third woman took a pill.

    “What was that?” the others asked her.

    “It was thalidomide,” she said. “I just can’t get the arms right on this fucking sweater!”

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  • Three Pregnant Women

    A pregnant blonde, a pregnant brunette, and a pregnant redhead were in the waiting room of an obstetrician’s office.

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    The redhead said, “When my baby was conceived, I was on top, so I know I’m going to have a girl.”

    The brunette said, “When my baby was conceived, my husband was on top, so I know I’m going to have a boy.”

    The blonde burst into tears. When the other two asked her what’s wrong, she wailed, “I think I’m going to have puppies!”

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  • Three Disappointed Mothers

    Three mothers, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, are talking about how disappointed they are in their daughters.

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    The redheaded mom says, “I found whiskey in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t even know she drank.”

    The brunette mom says, “I found marijuana in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t even know she did drugs.”

    The blonde mom says, “I found condoms in my daughter’s room, and I didn’t even know she had a dick!”

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  • Three Captured Spies

    A Russian spy, an American spy, and an Italian spy were captured by a terrorist organization and kept in the same cell.

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    The terrorists first dragged out the American spy, tied him to a chair, and started asking him questions about the nation’s secrets, codes, and plans. The American refused, but after two continuous hours of brutal torture, he finally gave up and gave them everything he had.

    They then picked up the Russian and again asked him for his country’s confidential information. The Russian refused. After five continuous hours of gory, sick, and disturbing torture, even the Russian gave up and gave them everything he had.

    Then they moved onto the Italian. After eight hours of bloody, indescribable torture, the Italian hadn’t said a word. The terrorists grew tired and left the three to rot together.

    The American turned to the Italian and asked, “Hey, Luigi! What the hell was that? Do you not feel pain?”

    The Russian was also shocked. “Comrade! How in the world did you endure that!”

    The Italian, with tears rolling down his face, replied, “I wanted to talk, but my hands were tied.”

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