Joke Type: surprise twist

Surprise twist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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  • Wheres the Girl With the Rotten Tooth

    A retired salesman named Pete gets stranded after his fishing boat capsizes in the Pacific.

    After wandering for days, he stumbles onto a small island community whose longtime mayor has just passed away.

    The town’s old preacher tells Pete that since he’s the first newcomer they’ve seen in years, he has to pass three challenges to be accepted as the new leader.

    “Alright,” Pete says, brushing off his shirt, “just tell me what I’ve gotta do.”

    The preacher walks him over to three little beach shacks and explains the rules.

    “In the first shack, there are ten gallons of our homemade moonshine, and you have to drink every drop.”

    “In the second shack, there’s a mean old gator with a rotten tooth, and you have to pull it out.”

    “In the third shack, there’s the former mayor’s daughter, and you have to satisfy her completely.”

    Pete nods and heads straight into the first shack.

    Three hours later, he staggers out, swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane, and marches toward the second shack.

    The preacher asks if he’d like to lie down for a spell, but Pete waves him off and disappears inside.

    After a long stretch of growling, crashing, and splashing, Pete finally stumbles back out, scratched up, muddy, and bleeding.

    He squints at the preacher and slurs, “Alright… now where’s the girl with the rotten tooth?”

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  • But Your Client Didnt

    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

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  • Went to the Wrong Room

    Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. His wife asked him, “What happened to you?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “I’ve had a terrible day!” said Bill. “I had to go to a hotel where a guest had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had a huge erection — can’t even say it cause it’s embarrassing!”

    “Anyway, I went upstairs, and sure enough, there was this big man lying on the bed naked with a massive stiff one. So, I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half.”

    “I see,” said his wife. “That must have been terrible! But how did you get the black eye?”

    Bill replied, “Went to the wrong room!”

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  • Would You Mind Getting Off Me

    A woman asks her husband at breakfast, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

    He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

    He declines. “The Viagra,” he says. “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”

    At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?” He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”

    “Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m starving.”

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  • Never Went Back To Thailand

    Never Went Back To Thailand

  • Virgil Won

    Two old brothers — Hank and Earl — had a lifelong rivalry going with their neighbour Virgil, all three of them living in the same remote corner of northern Montana, where winters were the kind of cold that made your eyebrows hurt.

    One February evening, the three of them were nursing drinks at the only bar in town, and the argument that started every year around this time broke out again.

    “Boys,” said Hank, “I’m telling you right now — my place is the coldest in the county.”

    “Ha,” said Earl. “You’ve never even spent a night in my cabin.”

    Virgil just smiled into his glass and said nothing, which irritated the other two more than any boast could.

    They agreed to end the argument once and for all. First stop was Hank’s place.

    He led them to the porch, filled a tin cup with water from the tap, and flung it into the air. It hit the ground as a solid disc of ice.

    “Not bad,” said Virgil. “Not bad at all.”

    Earl just raised an eyebrow.

    Over at Earl’s cabin, he stood in the doorway, drew a long slow breath, and let it out. The exhale left his mouth as a mist — and then clattered to the floor in a tiny frozen clump.

    “Alright,” Hank admitted. “That’s cold.”

    But Virgil still hadn’t said a word.

    When they reached Virgil’s cabin, he didn’t take them to the porch or the doorway. He took them straight to the bedroom.

    He pulled back the blankets on the bed and carefully lifted something out — a small, perfectly round ball of ice. He carried it to the kitchen, set it on a spoon, and held a lit match beneath it.

    The three of them stood in silence, watching it slowly thaw.

    And then, the moment it softened just enough —

    “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”

    Virgil won.

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  • She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed

    A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

    Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

    Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

    Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”

    Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”

    Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

    Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”

    Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

    Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”

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  • For the Third Time I Want Chicken

    An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.

    It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.

    So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

    The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”

    She thought this was a great idea.

    When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    There was no response.

    She moved 10 feet closer.

    Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”

    No response.

    She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.

    She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”

    Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

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  • I Remembered Where I Left My Bike

    A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”

    “I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”

    The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”

    “When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”

    That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”

    “Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”

    The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”

    “I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”

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