Meh Thoughts

I accidentally swallowed a bottle of invisible ink.

Now I am in the ER waiting to be seen.

Diarrhea Awareness starts on Monday.

Runs through Friday.

I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.

But after the first two, I felt better.

I went to the gym the other day and my favorite machine was broken.

I couldn’t get any chocolate or Coke or anything.

What would bears be without bees?

Ears

My wife accused me of liking my relatives more than hers. I told her that was absolutely not true.

I thought her mother-in-law was much nicer than mine.

Once long ago I got a job hosing women down for wet T-shirt contests. It was $2 an hour.

It was all I could afford at the time.

How do you make a dead baby float?

One can of root beer, one scoop of vanilla, and two scoops of dead baby.

I just left the doctor’s office. He told me he wants me on clear liquids for the next 24 hours.

Between the rum, vodka, and gin, I shouldn’t run out.

I just rented a limo for $500, then learned that fee doesn’t even include a driver.

So I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!