Topic: humor

  • An artist needed glasses…

    An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

    An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

    Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

    The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

    “So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

    The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

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  • Three men find a harem

    Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

    They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

    He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

    “I’m a cop,” the first man said.

    “Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

    Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

    “I’m a fireman.”

    “Then we will burn your penis off!”

    Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

    The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

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  • My wife has been having an affair with the mailman.

    A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

    “What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

    “That’s right,” says the first guy.

    “Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

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  • How is your mother-in-law?

    I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

    I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

    Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

    Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

    A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

    I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

    He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

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  • How’d you get the black eye?

    Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
    The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
    “What’s that?” the first asks.
    “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
    The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
    “Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
    The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”

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  • Gary got beat up

    John runs into his old friend Gary, who looks like he’s been beaten by a thousand fists.
    Now Gary is the nicest guy ever; it’s hard to imagine anyone getting mad at him, let alone beating him so savagely.
    I asked, “What happened?!?!”
    He explained, “Well, I was on the escalator, and the lady in front of me was wearing a pretty skirt, but it had bunched up between her cheeks, so I gently pulled it out. Then she turned around and slapped me.”
    “Wow! Maybe you should have just let it be, but it looks like you got more than just slapped.”
    “I know! I knew I messed up, and I felt bad, so when she turned around, I started poking it back in…”

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  • How is he?

    “Doctor, how is he?”

    “Well, he’s had a massive heart attack, and also sustained some bone fractures.”

    “Can I talk to him?”

    “No, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along.”

    “Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?”

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  • The Square Dance

    Jimmy and Johnny attend a square dance during the depression. Johnny an otherwise handsome young man had lost an eye in a farming accident. Johnny’s father not having the money to purchase a glass eye, carved a prosthetic eye from wood. Johnny was quite self conscious because of his missing eye.

    Soon after arriving at the dance, Johnny tells Jimmy he believes no girl will dance with him. Jimmy tells him he just has to pick the right girl, and suggests Betty who has a harelip but is a very nice girl, whom has never been asked to dance.

    Johnny builds his courage, approaches Betty, and asks, “Betty, wouldn’t you like to dance?”

    Betty delighted to finally have been asked exclaims, “Wouldn’t I, Wouldn’t I?”

    Johnny shoves Betty aside and shouts, “Harelip, harelip, harelip!”.

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  • Terrible venereal disease

    A guy gets a terrible venereal disease.

    Doctor: “Listen, I’ve got bad news, there’s no way we can save your genitals. You’ll need to get them amputated.”

    Patient: “I demand a second opinion.”

    Doctor 2: “Oh yeah, my colleague is way off base, no need to amputate.”

    Patient: “Whew, thank you!”

    Doctor 2: “Yeah, if you just wait a few weeks it’ll fall off on its own.”

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  • You are a very sick man

    A doctor says grimly to a patient, “You are a very sick man. You’ve been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time.”

    “Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.

    “Amazingly, there is though it may be touch and go,” says the doctor nervously. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes, pizza and flounder.”

    “Okay…” says the patient, “But why pancakes, pizza and flounder?”

    “Because,” the doctor says, “That’s the only food we can push under your door.”

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