Topic: humor

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 10 years of working in a law firm, it’s that there’s never a good time to say, “Lick me, law-boy!” to the managing partner.

In an impulse of passion, I said to her, “Give me your lips, right this moment!” But when she removed them and threw them to me, it occurred to me that dating Miss Potato Head would require some adjustments.

My life kind of resembles Forrest Gump’s life, except that I haven’t met any famous people, struck it rich or had any major accomplishments. I guess all I’m saying is that I, too, once drank so much Dr. Pepper that I had to pee really bad.

I love the nightlife. I got to boogie. But apparently the minister believes those needs don’t meet his lofty standards for “reasons why this couple should not be wed.”

When I got arrested, they told me, “Anything you say will be held against you.” I said, “Claudia Schiffer’s boobs.”

I wonder if before 007 was issued his license to kill, he had a learner’s permit to kill. Because that would be pretty embarrassing to have to have an older agent accompany you every time you have to shoot someone.

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

I think the very definition of “one of those days” is when you start your morning by mixing up your contacts with your electric shaver.