Topic: relationships

  • A wealthy widow is looking for a husband

    A wealthy, lonely widow decided she needed a new man in her life, so she placed an ad in the newspaper:

    “Wealthy widow seeks a man to share her fortune and life. Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

    1. Don’t be aggressive toward me.
    2. Never run away.
    3. Must be extremely good in bed.”

    For months, she got plenty of calls and house visits, but no one met her criteria.

    One day, the doorbell rang.

    She opened the door and saw a man lying there without arms and without legs.

    Confused, she asked, “Who are you? What do you want?”

    “Hello,” he said. “Your search is over. I’m the man of your dreams. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and no legs, so I can’t run away.”

    “Okay… well, do you think you’re good in bed?” she asked.

    He replied, “Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

  • Wise little girl

    A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    “What are they doing?” the girl asked.

    The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”

    The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”

    “What do you mean?” Grandma asked.

    “Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”

  • Valentines Day

    Do men get anything out of valentines day? It depends on whether or not his wife will do the brussel sprout.

    What’s the brussel sprout?

    It’s when you put something in your mouth and pretend you like it

  • Billy Bob and Joe

    Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.

    Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”

    “Yeah, what about her?”

    “Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”

    “No, not really. You?”

    “No. So why don’t we take these things off?”

  • A woman visits her doctor…

    Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

    Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

    Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

  • A woman complains to a doctor…

    Woman: Doctor, whenever a man gives me a compliment, I want to fuck him at once, no matter who, no matter where. What do I have?

    Doctor: Beautiful eyes…

  • My mother is being attacked!

    Wife: There are four men attacking my mother in the street! Aren’t you going to help!

    Husband: Why? Four should be enough.

  • My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

    But I refused because if I’m gonna have sex on a car, it’s going to be on my own Accord

  • I got a handjob from a blind woman once…

    She told me, “This is the biggest dick I’ve ever come across.”

    I said, “No, you are just pulling my leg.”