My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”
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Unleash ChaosDelivery Style: anecdotal
Anecdotal joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Pastor and the Post Office
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”
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Retirement Benefits Without ID
Yesterday, I went to apply for retirement benefits but forgot my wallet. The clerk said, “Just unbutton your shirt.”
I showed my gray chest hair. She said, “That’ll do,” and processed everything.
When I told my wife, she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, maybe you’d qualify for disability too.”
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
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A Quick 9 Holes
A guy and his wife had their 27th wedding anniversary last Sunday.
He said, “Honey, I made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, and have an awesome evening planned for the two of us. But would it be alright if I got in a quick 9 holes first?”
She replies, “Of course. Go have some fun!”
He goes to the golf course and decides to have a beer before teeing it up. A very attractive blonde comes up to him at the bar and says, “I’ve had my eye on you for years. Forget golf for today, chug your beer, and we’re going back to my place!”
She’s not going to take no for an answer, drags him back to her house, and screws his brains out!
The man, feeling extremely remorseful, decides that he has to tell his wife about his infidelity, and he returns home.
The GPS shows that his house is right around the corner from where he cheated on his wife, and he realizes that he just slept with his neighbor!
He walks through the door and tells his wife, “Honey, I have to tell you something. I didn’t end up playing golf today. I haven’t been faithful to you, and actually ended up sleeping with Jennifer from two streets away.”
His wife replied, “Bullshit! You rat bastard, you played 18 holes, didn’t you!”
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The Drive With Grandma
A little girl was usually driven to school by her Grandpa, but one day he had a bad cold, so her Grandma took her instead.
That night, the girl told her parents, “The drive with Grandma was really different today.”
“Oh? What made it different?” they asked.
“Well,” she said, “with Grandma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, idiot, or freakin’ moron on the road the whole way.”
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Infrequently
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”
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Just Walk
A group of tourists got turned around on a backroad and spotted an old local sitting by the path. They stopped to ask for directions and how long it would take to get to the train station.
The old man simply pointed toward the horizon.
“Alright, but how long will it take?” one of the tourists asked. “An hour? More?”
“Just walk,” the old man said flatly.
“Yeah, we’re going to walk,” the tourist replied, a bit annoyed. “But we need to know the timeframe. How long will it take us to get there?”
“Just walk,” the old man repeated.
“Look, can you answer a simple question or not?” the tourist snapped, convinced the old man was losing his grip.
Thinking the man was just senile, the group turned around and started walking away. They had only gone about fifty yards when they heard the old man shout after them:
“It’ll take you about an hour and a half!”
The tourists stopped and yelled back, “Why couldn’t you just tell us that in the first place?”
“Because,” the old man yelled, “I had to see how fast you walk!”
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Praise the Lord
Frank walked into “Miller’s Ranch” out in rural Arizona, looking to buy himself a good, dependable horse.
Old Mr. Miller said, “I’ve got the perfect one for you, but he was trained a little different — to make him go, you shout ‘Praise the Lord!’ and to make him stop, you yell ‘Hallelujah!’”
Frank chuckled and said, “Well, I’ve been married 40 years — I can remember two words. Let’s take him for a spin.”
Frank was grinning ear to ear, flying down the dusty trail, wind in his hair, feeling 25 again.
Then he noticed they were heading straight toward a steep canyon.
“Whoa!” he hollered — but the horse just kept running.
“Stop!” he yelled — still nothing.
Panicking, he tried every word he could think of, but that canyon was getting closer by the second.
Just a few feet from the edge, it hit him.
“Hallelujah!” Frank screamed.
The horse slid to a perfect stop inches from the drop-off.
Frank wiped his brow, looked up at the sky, put his hand over his heart, and said softly…
“Praise the Lord.”
