Format: anecdotal

Anecdotal comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Old woman watching porn on my phone

    A very old woman sitting next to me on the train was watching hardcore porn

    on my phone.

  • Teaching Democracy

    Last night, I taught my kids about democracy by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

    Then I picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

  • Doctors Orders Mean Burger King

    My doctor just told me that I need to start eating at Burger King.

    Well, he really said that I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he means.

  • Nudist Contemplation

    As I folded the third load of laundry this morning, I contemplated on becoming a nudist.

    Then I remembered what I look like naked, and I kept folding…

  • The Genie, the Pianist, and the Million Ducks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

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  • The 12-Inch Pianist and the Million Bucks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

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  • The Bank Robbery and the Triplets

    So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

    As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.

    Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.

    A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”

    The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.

    A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

    “You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”

    “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

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  • The Adult Toy Shop and the Checkered Thermos

    The owner of an adult toy shop was training his new employee on the rules, how things worked, and the price list of their products.

    “The only items without price tags are the dildos kept behind the cashier counter.

    The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.

    Everything else in the store already has the price marked on it.

    Now, I’m heading out for a bit to take care of something important. I’ll be back in about an hour or two.”

    Business went smoothly for an hour, until finally a customer asked about the items kept behind the counter.

    “How much are those toys?”

    “The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.”

    “Oh, those are nice! How much is that one with the checkered pattern?”

    Thinking quickly on his feet, the employee replied, “That one is $200.”

    “SOLD! I’ll take it!”

    An hour later, the owner returned and asked how business had been while he was gone.

    “It was booming, Boss! I managed to sell five of the white ones and ten of the black ones. And I also got $200 for that checkered thermos of yours you had sitting back there!”

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  • The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops

    We now have the technology to build a new penis…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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  • Billy Ray and the Bottom Deodorant

    Billy Ray walks into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist for some “Bottom deodorant” for his bottom.

    “Sorry, we don’t sell bottom deodorant,” the pharmacist replies, trying to keep from laughing.

    “Yeah but I always buy it here,” Billy Ray says. “I bought one last month. My wife gets hers from here too!”

    Curious, the pharmacist suggests, “Look, I don’t know what y’all bought before, but maybe you can bring in the empty one of what y’all had next time you come in.”

    “Sure thing,” Billy Ray says. “I’ll bring it in tomorrow.”

    The next day, Billy Ray walks into Walgreens again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick.

    “This is just a normal deodorant,” the man tells Billy Ray. “To use under your arms.”

    “Oh no it is not,” Billy Ray answers. “Look here where it says: TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”

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