Delivery Style: escalating

Escalating joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Reasons for Allowing Drinking at Work

    While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

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    1. It’s an incentive to show up.

    2. It reduces stress.

    3. It leads to more honest communications.

    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers from the night before with another drink.

    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

    8. It encourages carpooling.

    9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

    11. It makes fellow employees look better.

    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

    16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas party.

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  • Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle

    It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

    This is just a fifteen-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

    I was working smarter, not harder.

    “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”

    “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

    This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

    I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

    I’m in the management training program.

    Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

    This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

    Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

    The coffee machine is broken… Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

    Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

    It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?

    I was cross-training for telecommuting.

    Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

    Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

    The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

    I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

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  • Memo from Supervisor to Staff

    Memo from Director General to Manager:

    Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.

    Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

    Memo from Manager to Department Head:

    Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

    The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

    Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

    The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

    Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

    Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

    Memo from Supervisor to Staff:

    Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

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  • The Bricklayer’s Accident Report

    This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this bricklayer’s report.

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    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

    Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground — and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

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  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

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  • Never Piss Off the Sysadmin

    Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

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    Dear Mr. Baker,

    As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of cut and paste for the hundredth time.

    You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

    In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

    1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

    2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favorites list, which I conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe that terms like Lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

    3. When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your mother’s birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

    Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

    Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

    Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

    Cecelia

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  • The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink

    16. The pants you just wet are not your own.

    15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”

    14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”

    13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.

    12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.

    11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.

    10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.

    9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.

    8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.

    7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.

    6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.

    5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.

    4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

    3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.

    2. You squish when you blink.

    1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • Holiday Drink Warning

    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

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  • Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You’re at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!

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  • Help Getting Out of the Mud

    Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car, and started it up.

    After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

    The passenger screamed, “Look at the window! There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

    The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

    The passenger rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

    The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

    The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it!” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

    A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry — the speedometer says we’re doing eighty now.”

    All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

    “There he is again!” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

    “Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked.

    The passenger threw a lighter out the window, saying, “Step on it!”

    They were driving about a hundred miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

    “Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

    The old man gently replied, “You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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