Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye

    A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.

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    When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.

    Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”

    Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.

    By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.

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  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

  • Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It

    Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.

  • The Bank Robbery and the Triplets

    So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.

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    She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

    As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.

    Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.

    A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”

    The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.

    A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

    “You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”

    “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

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  • The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops

    We now have the technology to build a new penis…

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    Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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  • The Farmer’s New Cock

    A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.

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    The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”

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  • Spell Way

    A husband got home early from work. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, sat in his favorite recliner and put the TV on a game!

    His wife got home late from work! She immediately started dinner, the laundry and vacuuming!

    As she walked by, her husband grabbed her hand and asked, “What are the chances of me getting laid tonight?”

    She said, “Spell way!”

    He replied, “W-A-Y!”

    She said, “You forgot the F.”

    He said, “There is no F in way!”

    His wife replied, “Exactly!”

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  • The Top 13 Paris Hilton Pet Peeves

    13> Those nouveau riche morons who have absolutely no sense of decorum.

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    12> Can never remember the name of that guy she slept with in London. If only there were some way to make a record of when that happened.

    11> Olfactory flashbacks from the Arkansas season of “The Simple Life.”

    10> People who ask you to sign stolen towels.

    9> Thinking that uncool and/or nonrich guys might be jerking off to her video.

    8> Getting a paper cut from the envelope while forwarding your $375,000 Amex bill to Dad.

    7> Always had to milk the ugly cow during the first season of “The Simple Life.”

    6> Jerk waiters who think they’re better than you just because they know how to read those stupid menus.

    5> Andy Warhol’s ghost constantly showing up with a stop watch.

    4> “Since that pudge skank Nicole lost all that weight, now I look like a *fat* size 4.”

    3> When you go to buy a new Bentley and they don’t have one with an interior that complements your dog’s Prada rain slicker?

    2> Caterpillars that crawl in one ear and take, like, an hour before crawling out the other side.

    And Topfive.com’s Number 1 Paris Hilton Pet Peeve…

    1> No Nobel prize for skankery.

    [The Top 5 List www.topfive.com]
    [Copyright 2005 by Chris White]

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  • Tips to Save on Gas

    Tips to Save on Gas

  • Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents

    A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.

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    She warns him that her family has an unusual dinner tradition: the first person to speak must do all the dishes. He thinks it’s odd but agrees to the dinner.

    He drives up to the house and puts the tub of Vaseline in his pocket and goes to the door. His girlfriend opens the door and whispers to him that dinner has already begun and he must remain silent or else do all of the dishes. He walks past the kitchen and sees what looks like a week of dirty dishes piled up. He certainly is not going to speak first and be stuck with that mess.

    He sits down and sees a family eating dinner with their heads down, eating in complete silence. He decides he can get someone to speak. He throws his girlfriend on the dinner table and has his way with her. Nobody even looks up.

    He then throws the mother on the table and has his way with her. Again, nobody even looks up from their plate.

    Just then, a loud clap of thunder rattles the house. Remembering about the motorcycle, the boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline.

    The father stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll do the dishes!”

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