Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick — A Perfect Match

Did you hear about the two gay Irish men? They are a perfect match.

Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
Like a Newborn Baby

Two retired cops sit on a park bench watching the world go by.

“You know, Tom,” one sighs, “my health is declining. My legs hurt when I stand, my back hurts when I sit, and my arms hurt when I reach for things. I feel like I’m falling apart! How are you feeling these days?”

The second guy smiles broadly and says, “Honestly? I feel like a newborn baby!”

“Really?!” the first guy gasps. “A newborn baby? How do you manage that?”

“Well,” he grunts, “I have no hair, I have no teeth, and I just wet my pants!”

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Date Who Drills Holes

My date told me she spends all her free time drilling holes.

I said, “Well… that’s boring.”

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I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.

I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
My Psalms Are Sweaty

My psalms are sweaty
knees weak, cross is heavy

last supper is ready
it’s lord’s spaghetti
Killing a Huge Mouse at Disneyland

Me: *Kills a huge mouse with a baseball bat*

Everyone else at Disneyland:
I signed up for my company’s 401K…but I’m not sure that I can run that far.

I signed up for my company’s 401K…but I’m not sure that I can run that far.
Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match?

Why don’t boxers have sex the night before their match? Because they hate each other.
Shortening Robert to Dick

My friend hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Robert.
A Marine, a Boxer, and an MMA Fighter Walk Into a Texas Bar

A young Marine, a boxer and an MMA fighter walk into a Texas bar.

The devil dog walks up to the bartender and says “Bartender. How goes it? I’ll have 3 shots of Jack, 3 shots of Henny, 3 shots of bourb, 3 shots of your best rum, and 3 Harps.” The bartender’s eyebrows raise and his eyes widen in shock, and he goes “Look here fellas, now I know y’all are just wanting to have a good night, but I’m telling you now, I don’t want no trouble or rubberneckin’ in my bar once you crayons polish these dranks off.” The Marine looks bewildered at the bartender. Confused; genuinely confounded, and stares for a second before it clicks “Oh, these guys? No worries Bartender, they don’t drink.”

That’s just the punchline. The real joke is believing a Marine could afford 12 shots, or count up to three.

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