Guy gets home from golf and his wife asks, “How was the game?”
“Terrible, Dave dropped dead of a heart attack on the third tee.”
“Oh, how awful!”
“You’re telling me! The rest of the round it was hit a shot, drag Dave, hit a shot, drag Dave…”
Delivery Style: storytelling
Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Doctor’s Good News
A guy’s mother-in-law comes to live with him…
One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.
The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.
The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, “Alright, give me the bad news first.”
The doctor says, “Your mother-in-law is not going to die. She had a massive stroke, but she is probably going to live another 20-30 years. The problem is the stroke has rendered her unable to speak. She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now. It has also disabled her ability to use her arms. For the next 20-30 years you are going to have to feed her baby food 3 times a day. Also, it’s made her incontinent, so you’re going to have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day for the next 20-30 years.”
“Oh my gosh,” the guy said. “What’s the good news?”
The doctor chuckles and goes, “I’m just kidding with you… she died.”
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The Produce Boy From Canada
A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.
Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.
“Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.
The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”
The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”
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Marge and Mildred at the Wheel
After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.
Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!
She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”
Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”
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Little Johnny and the Farm Chores
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” says Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
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Petey Penguin and the Blown Seal
Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.
After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.
With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.
Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!
Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!
After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.
“Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.
“Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.
“No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”
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The Duck Hunter and the Farmer
A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.
The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”
The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”
The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”
The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”
The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”
The hunter says, “Country style?”
The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”
The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”
The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”
The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”
The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.
After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”
The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”
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The Detective Training Test
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives…
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
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Grandma in the Lineup
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”
