Delivery Style: storytelling

Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Catholic Dog

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.

    The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”

    Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

    Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

    Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

  • Get a Hobby

    A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”

    The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”

    The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”

    The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”

    “That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”

    “Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”

    The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.

    The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”

    There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”

  • The High-Speed Excuse

    A man is going 85 miles per hour on a motorway when he sees a police car in his mirror.

    He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.

    The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places his hands out where they can easily be seen.

    “You were going a little fast there,” the officer says, “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”

    The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied, “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!”

  • The Organ Donor

    There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

    Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked, and she sought the advice of a surgeon.

    “Sure, we can reduce the amount of external flesh and create a more aesthetically appealing area in the process. Just know that the procedure will result in a lengthy healing process,” the doctor said after a thorough examination.

    “Please, doctor. I need this,” the woman said.

    The procedure went very successfully. No complications, sutures in the right places, everything was shaping up to heal quicker than expected.

    When the woman woke up, she had three bouquets next to her bed. The first was a modest six roses and a card. The card read, “To my daughter, I hope your recovery is swift. We may have our differences, but I will always love you. – Mum.”

    The second bouquet was two dozen beautiful roses and also had a card. This card read, “I can’t wait to see that delicious slot when it’s healed. I’ll triple the usual rate to have first crack at it! – #1 John.”

    There was a third bouquet that had a dozen roses, a dozen daffodils, a dozen sunflowers, two dozen lilies, and countless protea blooms. But there was no card accompanying it.

    Her doctor came in to follow up on the surgery and after examining her, she said, “Excuse me, doc? I know who these two gifts came from, but there wasn’t a card for the third. I don’t know who to thank for the gesture. Would you happen to know who sent these?”

    The doctor smiled and looked at his feet, as if slightly embarrassed. “Well, ma’am. When we copied your ID for record keeping, we saw you were an organ donor. Those flowers are from someone on the fourth floor burn ward. They wanted to thank you for their new ears.”

  • Got Here in Two

    A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.

    After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!

    Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.

    The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!

    As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”

    The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

  • Two Irishmen at Sea

    Two Irishmen lost at sea — they’d been out there for quite a few days, dehydrated and parched from the sun. They’re just watching the waves, trying to spot land, when one of them looks down and a bottle floats by.

    Without even thinking, he grabs the bottle and wipes the label to see what it is, and all of a sudden a genie pops out and says, “You’ve released me from my prison, so I’m going to grant you just one wish — no more, no less!”

    So the Irishman, without thinking it through, shouts, “Turn the entire ocean into a big vat of Guinness!”

    The genie says, “Your wish is my command,” and turns the entire ocean into Guinness.

    The second Irishman screams at the top of his lungs, “NO YOU IDIOT!!!! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

  • A Stop on the Bridge

    Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

    “It’s only a few more blocks, you can hold it,” the other replied.

    “No I can’t, if I don’t go now I will shit my panties,” said the first.

    “Well there isn’t anywhere with privacy but you know if you hop up on the railing and hang your ass over you can go in the water and anyone coming by will just think we’re sitting talking,” suggested the second.

    “That sounds good, help me up,” replied the first.

    She pulled down her panties, hiked up her dress and climbed up hanging her butt over the railing.

    Her friend leaned over the side, staring down at the water and started laughing.

    “Oh my God, Mary,” she howled, “you just shit on a guy in a canoe.”

  • The Ghost Car on a Dark Rainy Night

    Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

    The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

    Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level with him, it stopped.

    Desperate for shelter and without really thinking about what he was doing, Bill got into the back seat of the car and closed the door.

    That was when he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t even on.

    Mysteriously and soundlessly, the car started moving slowly forward. Bill looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Now he was scared, and he began to fear for his life.

    But just before he reached the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window of the car, and turned the steering wheel.

    Bill, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

    When he saw the lights of a pub down the road, Bill gathered all his courage and strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

    Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of whiskey. Shaking and half crying, he began telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through.

    A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he wasn’t drunk but was for real.

    About 10 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet, and were out of breath.

    Looking around and seeing Bill sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Hey Bruce… that’s the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”

  • Confessions After the Ceremony

    A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.

    After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”

    The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”

    The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”