Storytelling joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.
Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”
On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…
And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.
When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”
“There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”
Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”
“That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.
“So how was it?” his mother asked Little Johnny.
“Great!” Little Johnny replied.
“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.
“Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the horses came racing home at 30 to 1 odds!”
Well today, little Johnnie’s class is on a field trip to the local mall to visit Santa Claus. Little Mary goes and sits on Santa’s lap and asks for her Barbie doll, and crayons and what have you. All the kids have their turn and it’s finally up to Johnnie to go up to see Santa.
siouxchiefsouschef @legitwidget
overheard one kid at the Mall of America tell his friends he had to get his wisdom teeth out and his friend says “why? gotta make room for more dicks?” and wow insults have really come a long way since I was a kid
A science teacher set up a simple experiment to show her class the danger of alcohol. She set up 2 glasses, one containing water, the other containing gin. Into each she dropped a worm.
The worm in the water swam merrily around. The worm in the gin quickly died.
“What does this experiment prove?” she asked.
Little Johnny from the back row piped up: “It proves that if you drink gin you won’t have worms.”
