One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.
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Deepest Condolences
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter constantly called her, urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet.”
It was an immediate hit. They took to each other, and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, they undressed. She stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
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A Royal Flush Beats a Pair
Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.
They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.
“I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.
The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.
Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re two of God’s most perfect creations and I’m sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.
Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.
The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”
Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”
The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”
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Couldnt Walk for a Year
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room…
The first kid asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born and couldn’t walk for a year.”
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On Your Garden Swing
A husband and wife are asleep when someone starts banging on the front door in the middle of the night.
The man checks the bedside clock. It is 3:00 a.m.
“No chance I’m getting up now,” he mutters, turning over.
A moment later, the knocking comes again, even louder.
His wife nudges him. “Are you seriously not going to see who it is?”
Grumbling, he climbs out of bed, stumbles downstairs, and opens the door. Outside stands a stranger, clearly very drunk.
The man at the door squints at him and says, “Sorry to bother you… could you give me a shove?”
“Absolutely not. It’s three in the morning,” the husband snaps, and shuts the door.
Back upstairs, he climbs into bed and tells his wife what happened.
She frowns. “That was unkind. Do you remember when our car died in the rain and you had to knock on someone’s door for help? Imagine if they had turned you away.”
“He was drunk,” the husband says.
“So what?” she replies. “He still needed help. Go help him.”
Feeling guilty, the husband gets dressed, heads back downstairs, and opens the front door. He cannot see anyone in the dark, so he calls out:
“Hey! Do you still need a push?”
From somewhere outside comes the answer:
“Yes, please!”
The husband looks around and shouts, “Where are you?”
A voice calls back:
“Over here… on your garden swing!”
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Thats a Hard One
Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.
“I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”
Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.
“Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.
“Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.
The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.
“Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”
“Eve, of course!” she replies.
The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.
St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”
And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.
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Worse Off Than I Am
A judge is asking a husband why he wants a divorce.
Husband, “Your honor, every so often, my wife makes me peel garlic, chop onions, and wash dishes.”
Judge, “What’s the problem? Warm the garlic first, it peels easily. Put the onion in the fridge, no tears while chopping… I do this at least once a week. Soak the dishes for 10 minutes, they’ll clean themselves. I do this almost every day.”
Husband, “Got it! Your honor, I withdraw my case.”
Judge, “Why are you withdrawing?”
Husband, “Cause apparently, you’re worse off than I am.”
