Joke Type: buildup

Buildup jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • What Happened in Agua Fria

    A gunslinger walks into a saloon and yells…

    “…which one of you lily-livered, yellow-bellied, flea-bitten curs stole my horse!?”

    The room is silent.

    The gunslinger continues. “Alright! Here’s what’s going to happen! I’m going to buy a beer, drink it, and then I’m going back outside! And if my horse isn’t there, I’m going to have to do here what I did in Agua Fria! I don’t want to, but if I don’t get my horse back… you aren’t really giving me much of a choice!”

    The gunslinger gets his beer, drinks it, and walks outside, only to find his horse at the watering trough. As he gets into the saddle, the bartender comes out and nervously asks: “So… what did you do in Agua Fria?”

    “Walked out of town and never went back.”

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  • Einstein and His Driver

    One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

    On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

    “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

    The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

    “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

    So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

    But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

    The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says:

    “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

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  • Thats Not Your Man Thats Garlic Bread

    Thats Not Your Man Thats Garlic Bread

  • Bear Hunting

    Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

    Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

    The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices — either I maul you to death or you let me fuck you in the ass.”

    Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

    Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear lets out a huge sigh and says, “Admit it, Bob, you’re not here for the hunting, are you?”

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  • The Nun and the Golf Game

    A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

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    “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

    “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

    “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

    “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

    “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

    “Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother; a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

    “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

    “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

    “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

    “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

    “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

    “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

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  • How to Wave a Blanket

    An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.

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    The vet thinks for a little while and then says, “While I am not a human doctor, when farmers can’t get their cows excited for the bull, it’s usually on a very hot day like it is now. The farmer will wave a large blanket over the cow, which seems to get her into the mood.”

    The old farmer thinks for a while and decides to hire a young man from the town to wave the blanket while he makes love to his beautiful young wife.

    The young man dutifully waves the blanket over the copulating couple but after about ten minutes she remains unimpressed.

    Perturbed by now, the old farmer says to the young man, “Let’s swap places and see what happens.” The farmer then starts waving the blanket vigorously and soon his beautiful young wife begins to climax numerous times.

    The old man drops the blanket and proudly yells, “That, my boy, is how you wave a fuckin’ blanket.”

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  • Sister Sally and the Gin

    Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.

    The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”

    “It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”

    “Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.

    After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.

    “Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”

    “It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”

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  • Coffee on the Captain

    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”

    Silence followed and passengers waited with bated breath.

    Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

    “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

    One Irish passenger yelled, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!!”

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  • Uncle Terrence Names the Twins

    Harry was deployed in the military when his pregnant wife Suzie was expecting to give birth.

    Harry was worried about the logistics of it all and how Suzie would handle the birth as they were pretty far from their family and didn’t have anyone they could reliably ask for help.

    Harry decided to ask his family if they could send someone to help Suzie.

    “Your brother Terrence will be available, let’s ask him,” Harry’s mom suggested on the phone.

    “Mom, Terrence couldn’t tell his left foot from his right one, he once punched a mirror because he thought his own reflection was someone else. I don’t want that idiot near my kids,” Harry replied.

    “Nonsense, that was years ago, he’s doing much better now. He’s great with instructions and will do all that the doctors say,” his mom replied, and so Harry reluctantly agreed.

    On the fateful day, Suzie called Harry and told him she felt her water breaking and was rushing to the hospital. Harry called up his brother Terrence and asked him to accompany Suzie and do what the doctors said.

    Over the next few days Harry only got brief updates from Terrence with messages like “under control” and “don’t worry.”

    6 days later Harry finally got Terrence on the phone and asked him for the good news.

    “There’s good news and bad news,” Terrence said.

    “What’s the bad news?” Harry asked.

    “Suzie is still at the hospital and the doctors say she’ll need a few days to come around,” replied Terrence.

    “And the good news?” Harry asked tentatively.

    “You got twins, they’re both healthy, but there’s better news.”

    Harry let out a large sigh of relief. “Ok, what’s the better news?”

    “They’re a boy and a girl. Mom came over today and we got the kids home. But there’s even better news,” Terrence replied.

    Harry was relieved but puzzled. “What’s the better news now?”

    “I got to name them,” Terrence said happily.

    Harry groaned loudly and angrily asked, “Did you name my son Denephew?”

    “No no, I named him Harrison,” Terrence replied.

    “Ok that’s not so bad,” Harry replied, but then immediately yelped, “WAIT, did you name my daughter Harridaughter?”

    “Of course not,” replied Terrence confidently. “I named her Ford.”

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  • That Bar Shit Is Over

    My wife and I had only been married two weeks when I told her, “Honey, I’m going to Hank’s Tavern for a beer. I’ll be right back.”

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    “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” she asked.

    “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” I said. “Just for a beer.”

    “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the fridge and showed me 25 different kinds from 12 countries.

    “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar they have frozen glasses…”

    “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She pulled out a huge frozen mug from the freezer.

    “Yes, Tootsie Roll… but they have really good hors d’oeuvres there too…”

    “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She took out trays of chicken wings, pigs in blankets, and mushroom caps.

    “But baby, at the bar there’s swearing and dirty words…”

    “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN’ BEER IN YOUR STUPID FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DUMB ASS HORS D’OEUVRES RIGHT HERE! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ MARRIED NOW — THAT BAR SHIT IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?”

    Exactly why I’ve been married for 27 years….

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