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Joke Type: escalating
Escalating jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Pirate Hook
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
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Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”
14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.
6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”
5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”
15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”
14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”
13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”
12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”
11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”
10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”
9. “I have early-onset onanism.”
8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”
7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”
6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”
5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”
4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”
3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”
2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”
1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.
12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.
11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.
10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.
9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”
8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.
7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.
6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.
5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”
3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.
2. “All your albums are belong to me!”
1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre a Slut
The Top 13 Signs You’re a Slut (R-rated)
16. AT&T gives you a volume discount for monthly booty calls.
15. Charlie Sheen keeps spraying you with Lysol.
14. Your only concern is whether he’s breathing or not, and rigor mortis can waive that requirement.
13. Kid Rock declines because he considers you “too skanky.”
12. You had an access-card reader installed in your ass crack.
11. The city finally broke down and built a freeway exit ramp directly to your driveway.
10. Your breast “accidentally” pops out on national TV during a halftime show.
9. Forget dinner and a movie — *you* settle for malt liquor and Polaroids.
8. Last night, you had sex with the entire band… the New York Philharmonic.
7. You make weekly lingerie runs to Costco.
6. During your scheduled OB/GYN appointment, you surprise the doctor by wearing edible panties. With maple syrup poured on them.
5. Even Cardinal Law won’t cover for you any more.
4. You’ve X’ed out every square in this month’s Kama Sutra Bingo card. Come to think of it, you actually *invented* Kama Sutra Bingo.
3. You legally changed your name to Slutty McSlut.
2. “You had me at ‘Gesundheit!’”
1. Drive-through customer: “Two cheeseburgers and a vanilla shake.”
Your response: “You want sex with that?”[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict
The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”
11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”
10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.
9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.
8. Your ex *is* a convict.
7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”
6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.
5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”
4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”
3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”
2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.
1. Her license plate is autographed.
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The Dead Frog
This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.
The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”
The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”
As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”
The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”
The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”
The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”
The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”
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Someone’s Coming
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others’ shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack — “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes — “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” etc.
Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”
