Joke Type: story joke

Story joke jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

  • Room 319

    A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

    He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

    “Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

    “Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

    “Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

    “That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”

  • We’ve All Got It

    “Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

    “Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

    “But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

    “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

    “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

    “Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says…

    “Wait, honey, there’s somethin’ I need you to know. I’m a virgin.”

    “WHAT THE FOOK?” The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out.

    He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy’s house, where he dumps her in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his daddy’s house and goes inside.

    The dad sees his son, and says, “What the hell you doin’ here, boy? Ain’t you supposed to be with your new bride?”

    “Well, pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Well holy dog-shit,” says the dad, “What’d you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her up in the sheets, drug her down the stairs and out the door, threw her in the back of my pick up, and then drove on to her daddy’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    The dad starts laughing, and, patting his son on the back, he says, “Good job, son. If she ain’t good enough for her family, I say she ain’t good enough for ours neither.”

  • The Ambidextrous Golfer

    A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot…

    Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”

    He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

    The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

    They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

    She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

    She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

    They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

    She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

    Only this time, she plays left-handed.

    The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

    They’re totally amazed.

    They can’t figure her out.

    She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner.

    They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

    The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

    This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

    However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

    They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

    The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

    “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

    The guys think this is hysterical.

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

    She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

  • Four Months Vacation and Five Good Leads

    A guy at confession says to the priest: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

    The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

    “Yes, Father, it is.”

    “And who was the girl you were with?”

    “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

    “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

    “I cannot say.”

    “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

    “I’ll never tell.”

    “Was it Nina Capelli?”

    “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

    “Was it Cathy Piriano?”

    “My lips are sealed.”

    “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

    “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

    The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

    “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

  • I Need a Handsaw

    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

    So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

    The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”

    The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

  • Who the Hell is Bob?

    There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the states and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had.

    Every day it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Every night it was, “Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have.”

    Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, “Beautiful Butt.” So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, “There is no way I can get ‘Beautiful Butt’ on your tiny little beautiful butt. But I can put a nice ‘B’ on each cheek which will stand for ‘Beautiful Butt.’”

    A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B’s. Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.

    Quickly sitting up he exclaims, “Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?”

  • Worst Timing Ever Beats Wife’s Infidelity

    Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

    Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, “Wow, that’s awful, what did you do?”

    “Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here. Shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure I got time for a couple more beers.”

  • Bachelor Party Disaster Meets Perfect Comeback

    A guy’s getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn’t know what to do.

    He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them alongside his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married.

    Here they are in their honeymoon suite… she walks out stark naked… She says, “Look, honey. Untouched by human hands.”

    He’s gotta think quick… He pulls down his pants and says, “Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate.”