Surprise twist jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
“Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”
“Okay,” they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah,” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him,” said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board.”
This guy is driving through California and picks up a hitchhiker. They continue down the road until they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The driver, overcome with emotion, pulls off the road and says, “Oh, I can’t just drive past without doing something about this… I’ll be right back.”
He gets out of the car, goes up to the sheep, and starts fucking it from behind. When done, he walks back to the car and gets in.
The California guy goes, “Damn! I’ve never seen anything like that.”
The driver says, “You ought to try it, it’s fantastic.”
The California guy goes, “…Yea, it did look like a lot of fun, what the hell, I’ll do it!”
He gets out of the car, walks over to the fence, and sticks his head through it.
One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.
Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”
Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.
Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”
Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”
So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that?!”
The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others’ shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack — “Taking off her blouse,” “She’s taking off her blouse,” “Blouse is coming off,” “Taking off her blouse,” etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes — “Taking off her skirt,” “She’s taking off her skirt,” “Skirt’s coming off,” “Taking off her skirt,” etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line: “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” “She’s taking off her bra!” etc.
Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She’s taking off her panties!” “She taking off her panties!” etc.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!”
And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”
