For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get “bi” and “semi” mixed up.

I’d like to teach the world to sing. Then maybe we can avoid those atrocious first few weeks of “American Idol.”

The problem with having a crush on a fortune teller is you never get a first chance to make a first impression.

I’d love to go back in time and show my younger self these nifty iPods, laptops and smart phones. Not so the younger me could invest and make a ton of money, but because such a thing would totally freak out that nerdy dweeb.

Mauve isn’t a color in the National Terrorism Advisory System — mauve is terror itself.

I was visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They were family members I hate, and technically they were all still alive — I just find it comforting to imagine them as already deceased.

To save money, our town council subcontracted police services to circus clowns. The good news is that when they go on patrol, they can get like 20 cops in a car. The bad: Their pepper spray canisters shoot silly string.