When my son came out as a girl, I told her she could no longer see me.
It’s cause I became transparent.
Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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A MILF Shake
What’s the term for getting a handjob from a single mom?
A MILF shake.
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Wait Till You Graduate From High School
Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
“Bubba,” Ma said, “you can’t get married yet. Why, you’re the baby of the family.”
“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I had my 38th birthday jest last week.”
“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in. “But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”
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Arkansas Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Arky said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.”
So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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The Band or the Football Team
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.
“All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”
Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”
“I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”
“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”
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I Dont Want a Dog
One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”
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Named Her Grandma
katie @skatie420
[showing off my new baby] we named her after my grandmother, her name is Grandma.
7:48 AM · 20 Apr 22 · Twitter for iPhone
380 Retweets 3 Quote Tweets 3,939 Likes
