Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Silver-Haired Lady and the Jigsaw Puzzle

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

    Her neighbor asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

    “According to the picture on the box,” she replies, “it’s a rooster.”

    The neighbor decides to help. He comes over, and she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the kitchen table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then back at the table.

    Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand, and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.”

    “Second, let’s make ourselves a nice cup of tea…”

    “…and then we’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

  • Garbage Can, Not Garbage Cannot

    Garbage Can, Not Garbage Cannot

    JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE TRASH DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T DO GREAT THINGS.

    IT IS CALLED GARBAGE CAN, NOT GARBAGE CANNOT.

  • Addicted to brake fluid

    Sure, I might be addicted to brake fluid.

    But I can stop anytime.

  • Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

    Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bedsheet. More on this story as it unfolds.

  • Lousy at Golf

    This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

    “What’s your daily activity level like?” the doctor asks.

    “Why do you ask?”

    “Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…”

    The guy shrugs. “Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush.”

    “Well, that sounds pretty good,” the doctor comments.

    “That’s nothing,” the guy says. “The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears.”

    “That sounds really impressive.”

    “And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

    “Well,” the doctor says, “it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!”

    “Nah,” the guy replies, “I’m just real lousy at golf.”

  • Lawyers Exchanging Sandwiches at a Restaurant

    Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.

    An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”

    The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.

  • Injured playing peekaboo

    Last week, I was injured pretty badly playing a game of peekaboo. They had to put me in the ICU.

  • A friend named his dog 5 miles

    A friend of mine named his dog “5 miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

    But today he ran over 5 miles.

  • Doctors Orders Mean Burger King

    My doctor just told me that I need to start eating at Burger King.

    Well, he really said that I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he means.

  • Global Warming Icebreaker

    If you are meeting a new group of people and don’t know what to talk about, try mentioning Global Warming.

    It’s a huge Icebreaker.