Delivery Style: buildup

Buildup joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Dave’s Haircut and the Pope

    Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

    He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

    “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

    “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

    “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

    “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

    “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

    “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

    A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

    “It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

    “Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

    “What did he say?”

    “He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”

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  • The Old Man at the Red Light District

    An old man was visiting a red light area.

    There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”

    “Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.

    The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”

    “Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.

    Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.

    When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”

    The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”

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  • Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell

    A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.

    “Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”

    “I certainly did!” says the man.

    “Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”

    “Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”

    “Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”

    “I sure do,” says the man.

    “Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”

    “Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”

    “Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”

    “Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”

    “Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”

    “Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”

    The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”

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  • The Radar Detector and the Tail Light

    A man is tired of getting speeding tickets, so he buys a radar detector.

    He’s speeding down the highway and suddenly the patrol car pulls up behind him and pulls him over. Detector never went off.

    Pissed, he realizes maybe he should have bought a better one. He spends a bit more money and gets one that claims to have superior radar detection technology. It costs more, but if it saves him a ticket, it’s worth it.

    Sure enough, within a week, he’s on the highway and the blue and red lights come on. Another ticket.

    He can’t afford another point on his license, so he goes out and buys the most expensive, most highly rated radar detector he can find.

    Within days the police show up behind him again. He’s furious. He pulls the detector out of the dash, gets out of the car and smashes it to bits on the ground, and is jumping up and down on the pieces. He sees the officer, standing and watching him.

    “WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY DON’T THESE POS DETECTORS WORK?”

    Officer says, “Just wanted to let you know your left tail light is out.”

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  • The Search Party and the Well

    Little Anne Patterson had been missing for three days now and things were looking grim.

    The family lived on the edge of an old forest, made famous by its ability to cause even the most seasoned hiker to lose their way. There was something labyrinthian about that woodland.

    Anne was told never to go out into the forest, but curiosity often proved stronger than her better judgment. She had ventured into the wood on more than one occasion, but in each of these instances, her father was able to get a hold of her before she got too far.

    This time was different.

    A search party had been assembled, combing the Patterson’s vast property.

    In the days since her disappearance, the group had trudged through 10 square miles of wilderness. There was no sign of her until they came across one of her mittens. The second was found 50 feet to the west of the first.

    So they continued west through the densest section of forest yet and eventually came to a clearing with an ancient well in the center.

    A quiet fell among the party as they realized what had likely happened here.

    After a few minutes of tense stasis, the lead detective on the investigation stepped forward to take a look down the well.

    He put his hands on the cold, moldy brick that made up the well’s outer rim and peered over into the abyss.

    He could see nothing.

    “Anne?” he yelled down, hoping he would hear her voice in response. But the only reply was his own echo.

    He turned around and faced Anne’s father, Greg.

    “I yelled down the well to see if she’d reply, but there was no Anne, sir.”

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  • The Hearing Aids and the Will

    An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for years.

    He finally went to a doctor and was fitted with a set of excellent hearing aids.

    A month later, he returned for a checkup.

    The doctor smiled and said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be thrilled that you can hear again.”

    The old man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit there quietly and listen to their conversations.”

    He smiled and added, “I’ve changed my will three times already.”

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  • The Genie, the Pianist, and the Million Ducks

    A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase and an old brass lamp.

    He sits down and sets both on the bar.

    The bartender pours him a drink and asks, “What’s in the briefcase?”

    The man opens it to reveal a tiny man sitting at a piano, playing beautifully.

    “Where on earth did you get that?” the bartender asks.

    The man points to the lamp. “A genie. He granted me a wish.”

    “No way,” says the bartender. “Can I try?”

    “Be my guest.”

    The bartender rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

    “What is your wish?” asks the genie.

    The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “I want a million bucks!”

    The genie claps his hands.

    Instantly, the bar is filled with a million ducks.

    Ducks are everywhere. On the tables, behind the bar, hanging from the light fixtures.

    The bartender stares in disbelief.

    “What’s wrong with this genie?” he shouts. “He must be hard of hearing!”

    The man takes a sip of his drink and says, “You think? Do you really believe I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”

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  • The Bank Robbery and the Triplets

    So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.

    She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”

    As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.

    Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.

    A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”

    The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.

    A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”

    “You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”

    “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

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  • The Teddy Bear Collection

    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk, they laugh, and really hit it off.

    Before long, they decide to go back to his place.

    As he shows her around his apartment, she notices something unusual in his bedroom… an entire wall covered in soft, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three long shelves filled from end to end.

    The bottom shelf is lined with small teddy bears.

    The middle shelf holds medium-sized bears.

    And the top shelf is packed with huge, oversized teddy bears.

    She can tell he spent a lot of time arranging them just right.

    For such a masculine-looking guy, the display surprises her—but she also finds it sweet and endearing.

    She doesn’t say anything, but she’s impressed by his sensitive side.

    They share a bottle of wine, talk for hours, and the more they talk, the more she thinks, “Oh my… this man might actually be the one. He could even be the father of my future children.”

    They start kissing. The chemistry is strong. Soon he sweeps her into his arms and carries her to the bedroom.

    After an intense night of passion, they lie together, catching their breath.

    She gently strokes his chest, smiles, and asks softly, “Well… how was it?”

    He smiles back, brushes her cheek, looks lovingly into her eyes and says, “Help yourself to any prize… from the middle shelf.”

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  • The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops

    We now have the technology to build a new penis…

    Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”

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